Grandure sans coherancy

Reincarnation is something that a lot of people believe in, in this world. It’s an integral part of many major religions and it is also something that I loosely believe in. It is not apart of my upbringing. It’s not apart of the modern western culture because it is designed to cut off of the soul from the body. Spirit is a word for alcohol and that sums up everything you could possibly associate with the western culture. There’s a lot wrong with humans, with you. With me. With everyone. Every single one of us are a walking contradiction. Nothing is right and nothing will ever be right. Humans are disgusting masses of self destruction birthed into this world to destroy it. We are children of war, poverty, torture and the very characterization of pain.

Can you climb out of this black void? The light in me acknowledges the light in you. I was taught to be a quiet, shy female with no opinion. I wasn’t born this way, my first inclination as a child was to be an artist. I taught myself how to read and I was constantly doodling. I made friends easily and I went up to strangers, charming them with my smile and confidence. My mother was an angry woman with major un-treated psychological problems brought on by a terrifying childhood due to a birth defect. Doctors with ‘good’ intentions turned her ‘defects’ into a sideshow attraction on an open operating table. And you (non accusatory, general sense of the word) want to tell me her beating me as a child is all her fault. I have forgiven her because I know that even though we have free will and can think for ourselves, the majority of humanity is asleep. Is reactive and living in the shallow recesses of our minds. When they are hurt they act like children, taking it out on the people around them because they don’t want to accept what had happened and try to understand it. They just do what they can to get through each day.

She has taught me a very valuable lesson and I try to keep that in mind when dealing with others. Most people are taught not to analyze their feelings too closely, to just ignore them because nobody wants to deal with you. Everything is designed to tell you that your are different, just like everyone else. That you are uniquely the same as those you pass on the street. You are one person in a sea of people. One drop in an ocean.

Think about that. Is a drop of water connected to the rest of the ocean? Is it above the waves or apart of it? Are we really alone? We have a sense of self but that’s because we have been taught that we are so different than everyone else. We are all connected, all the same, there is nothing that differentiates you from me. The only reason I feel like I am alone is because I am focusing on myself. I purposefully separate myself from those I see everyday. I keep my thoughts to myself, I don’t want to let anyone in. I don’t want to show anybody my flaws, my pain because I think they wouldn’t understand what I’m going through. But they’re going through the same thing I am. Buddha got through to people not because he was different but because he reminded people that they were the same as him. He just stopped focusing on himself and started focusing on the world around him.

I haven’t gotten there. I focus on my pain and the shit that’s in my life and I hate that I’m alone even when there’s people around me that I know care about me. So that’s the funny part about all of this, I know the path, I have studied the way to transcending my depression but change is slow and internal change is the slowest. It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.

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