Suicide, don’t do it.

Has anyone seen Pump Up the Volume? Yeah I really loved that movie. If you’re a huge Christian Slater fan like I am deep down inside (I really do try and hide it from everyone because I know, KNOW none of the people I know will understand) Well, you’ll know that the above title is actually from another Christian Slater movie called Heathers, I really liked Winona Ryder in that but honestly I thought Annie Ross was a way better actress.

I digress. I don’t think my truly depressed tone is really making it through and that sort of makes my mood worse. I know that most of the dark side of this site is full of depressed, suicidal and emotionally damaged people. It’s why I turned to this site, for some comfort that some where, some how there’s some asshole sitting there in a darkened corner of his room reading my words and masterbating. Yep, that’s the way my mind works, I will always try so hard to spread love that I don’t truly feel but in the end it’s almost like I’m faking it until I make it. I’m numb and detached and staring out my car window as a homeless person gives me that pitiful, give me money you bitch stare as I pass by. A part of my heart still bleeds for those people, the other part of me just wishes they were dead and I was dead and the asshole who just cut me off could burn in hell on top of being dead.

Well then, now that I’ve got that cathartic piece of shit thought out of my brain.

I was sitting in the drive through today and one of those reoccurring thoughts started seeping into the edges of my consciousness like they always do. I had watched this short, powerful video a couple years back that was made and set in China. It was about this woman bus driver who had a load of passengers and this decent guy gets on the bus. Then the bus gets stopped by these couple of guys and they proceed to rob everyone on the bus and then rape the bus driver. Now, the one decent guy goes to try and save her, he’s the only one that did anything. Well, she gets back on the bus and won’t let him back on the bus. If you’re like me, you already know where this is going. Anyways, needless to say she repays those worthless, spineless passengers back for their wonderful ability to be cowards. Now the thing that really gets me is that it was a graphic video, showed everything, left nothing to the imagination and it still hurts my chest to replay that inside my head.

There are things in this world that I used to be blind to, things that I turned away from thinking that, that could never happen to me. Things I would see on the TV growing up, violence, pain, rape…none of it really sunk home. You probably can guess now where I’m going with this.

I really, really want to look up the person who decided that my story was a lie, that I was just some random bitch looking for attention and that what had happened to me didn’t warrant anything more than a scoff and a dismissive wave off her desk as she moved on to the next order of business. I know some day when I have changed my circumstances that I will find that woman and send her a letter. I won’t blame her for doing what she did to me, I won’t blame her for making the decisions that she had made back then but I will make her aware of the person I have become because of her. It’s not just her fault, no she was just one person in a string of people, including myself that got me to the place I am today. Trust me, it’s not a bad place, I am making a decent living, I have good responsibilities, enough time to pursue my hobbies. But the nightmares, goddess…the nightmares. If only I could just transfer just one to her brain so she could understand what I go through every night. And some days…day terrors suck by the way.

So I think this post is long enough. I know I haven’t posted in a while. I just needed to get all of this out of my brain before the depression drowns me once again. So, remember, some day you might wonder about the people who sat idly by while you fell apart and how they feel. I would say they feel like shit and hate themselves for not having the backbone or the balls to do anything but trust me, it isn’t half as much as I hate myself.

Oh and enjoy the goat picture. He’s cute right? I got him here… https://pixabay.com/en/goat-lamb-little-grass-farm-1596880/

 

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