I get it, we as physical creatures come to this world to experience the joys and pains of everyday life. We as spiritual beings allow ourselves to delve into the unsavory part of life. It’s something that we all deal with because we all wanted some sort of meaning and depth in a world that we can’t control. We come here to learn the hard lessons and become better souls in the long journey of an endless existence. In the grand scheme of things the little annoyances don’t matter but there are days where I loose sight of all of that. All I want to do is lay down, right there on the floor of my office and not move until I starve to death. I’m reminded of that part in Serenity when River is freaking out over the people on the planet Miranda, I feel like that some days. That I just want to stop caring so much, worrying, being frustrated, being happy, or content. The drive just leaves me and I don’t see the point in any of it. I don’t want to do this any more and that is when the fear comes in. The fear that maybe this feeling will just overtake everything. I have stages of depression, it starts out with the feelings and then the symptoms. I start to drink a lot and not do anything at home. Slowly it starts to creep into everything and I start to sleep, that’s actually the worst stage. Sleeping means that I just lay in bed, watching the hours just pass by. I hate that stage because it’s the hardest to get out of. Hangovers push me to stop drinking, when I sleep, I don’t want to wake up.
Money has always been the bane of my existence. It’s about habits, conditioning, brain washing. It’s hard to fix something that has been going on since before you were born and is woven into the very fabric of our society. Money doesn’t mean you’re comfortable, money means that you can manage it to a certain extent. I have never been taught financial management…never been taught how to spend less and get more. How to wisely navigate the credit game, how to succeed. But this is how our society works, in order to have a good education, you must be responsible for what you learn. Sometimes the only true enemy is the one that dwells down inside of you. That moment when you realize that you have the control to make yourself better. It’s a blink, the dark void of that one second in darkness before the light comes rushing back in. I’ve been meaning to post this one for a while now. I started writing it back in June but I think sometimes one has to hold back the depression. Just to analyze it but eventually I have to let it go like a toxic cancer, you just have to cut it out and hope that you got it all.