I’ve been doing a lot of research on the shadow self, taking the plunge into my subconscious mind. All the guides and books tell you right off, this is not easy work. The ego is a very insidious and clever construct of the mind that will do anything to survive and bringing everything into the light is essentially destroying it.
I’ve never been very good at sticking around. When things get hard, I bail. I hit that self-destruct button on the way out, leaving massive amounts of damage and pain in my wake. I have the scars to prove it. Mostly on the inside but there’s a few that are external. Nice little reminders on how wonderful of a person I used to be.
They say that people don’t change, we all have a core personality and we as humans are slow to get rid of old habits and fix deeply rooted problems. That going into the subconscious mind is asking for all that I have buried and detached myself from to come back.
That screaming selfish little girl that just wanted to be left alone. Just wanted to live in my own fantasy world full of faeries, dragons and elves. I had an imaginary friend named Tracy and we would have so many adventures.
The little girl that was left in the backseat or the truck all day in the hot sun.
The little girl who had to hide bruises because she didn’t want to go to a foster home. Hide them from my mom so she wouldn’t know how much she hurt me, it’s not her fault that she has anger issues.
The little girl who was always alone.
I got used to being alone, it’s where I can hide from all the hard truths in life. Where I can protect myself from hurting others and from getting hurt. I can make up stories to entertain myself, draw out my characters and hang them on the wall. Their penciled in eyes staring at me. I’m not alone with them around.
Lately I’ve been returning to that fantasy world to protect myself from the place I’m in now. I’m in a country that perceives any woman walking around in public by herself as a prostitute. Or worse. I feel vulnerable and alone here, I just want to be left alone.
I keep telling myself that I’m strong, that I can get through this and it’s only temporary. We all have to make sacrifices to get where we need to be, to be safe you have to take risks to get there.
Please, even if you don’t pray, please send me some good thoughts my way. The good karma helps even if it only makes me feel a little less alone.