There’s this growing tide within me. A vast ocean of pain, hatred, anxiety and general self loathing. They say anger is a cover for fear and that is something I feel every day.
I’m afraid. Afraid of people and the pain we all have the capacity to inflict on others. Humans have the ability to hurt each other so deeply that death sometimes seems like a better alternative.
When this intersects with education, I realize that my own education growing up was stunted. It was a PhD in my mother teaching me that I’m a worthless little girl that had zero talent and little intelligence. She looked at me as a slightly above average swimmer. Someone that was just going to turn out exactly like her deadbeat sister who donated an egg and some genes in order to create me accidentally in her womb.
So as I grew up, this is something that has driven me to succeed. I tried so hard to prove her wrong that I was really just fulfilling her prophecy. I have a little above average job in the military where I sit all day and hate my life. I drain my bank account because I’m impulsive and self destructive.
I have zero self confidence and I think buying things for other people means they’ll like me. Maybe if I just give someone enough support or money, they’ll love me and give me the attention I so crave.
That’s the education I received and it wasn’t much better in the different public schools I attended. Society reinforces these ideals. You’re different, just like everyone else. I was lost in the crowd of self absorbed, angsty teenagers who’s biggest accomplishment was getting through the school day without blowing up emotionally.
As I got into my mid twenties and found out that yeah, this is my life…I realized that the rat race was essential. The things I was running away from, day jobs and human greed were actually swallowing me whole. I signed my life away soon after and gained a bit of perspective.
In my traumatic experiences, I’ve learned survival. In my own quest for knowing, or even in my deluded attempts at spirituality, I’ve learned self awareness and analysis. In my military career, adaptability and flexibility. In college and public school, I think the most I learned was how to bullshit my way through getting decent grades which never applied towards much more.
So, this is why education is important, self education. I have learned that I’m more than that ocean of turbulent negative emotions and I also know that I’ve only just dived a foot or so when there’s and endless depth below the surface.