Growing up, I was a pretty average middle American girl. Nothing special or unique. I had a pretty abusive mother and a distant father. So very normal for the States. I went to a few public schools, my parents moved around a little. I had lost my virginity when I was 17 and still talk to this guy from time to time. I went to college, dropped out after a couple years. Worked for a few retail companies and then decided to join the military.
As with most other average women, I have a very love hate relationship with my physical body. I was never over weight, most of my childhood I was slim with a bit of a butt and average sized breasts. As I grew older, I realized that because of my physical appearance, my friends were more interested in dating me than being my friends.
I’ve always been very comfortable with men and very uncomfortable with women. I understand men, understand what’s going through their heads and can generally be myself around them. With women, I feel like I have to put on a mask or be something I’m not in order to be friends with them.
All this ties into how I see my body. Women judge each other on appearances. Is her makeup done well? Is she toned without being overly muscular? Are her clothes fashionable? Does she look interesting? If I put her next to me, how do I compare? I’m that wall flower that usually gives men dirty looks in a bar and is more interested in getting a drink and dancing then anything else. I go alone which is taboo and puts off most other people. Usually I’ll start talking to someone if I’m drunk enough. I know my limits well enough to usually go home alone. I get bored easily with conversations in such settings and its pretty hard to keep me around.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this post. I think it’s just mental vomit on a screen, wondering if I’m really as average as I make myself out to be or if I’m just crazy and that’s all that makes me interesting.
“It maybe normal, darling; but I’d rather be natural.” -Breakfast at Tiffany’s